Stop Touching Yourself!
I’m kidding…go ahead and do it all you want. Seriously – I’m not looking. Masturbtion is normal. Everybody does it. Nowadays it’s even encouraged (Outside of religion, that is). It’s good for you, and it feels great! You can do it alone or with someone. You can even buy some fun toys to help! So have at it, I’ll wait. But then come back and finish reading this!
But according to history, you guys have some serious control issues! Jerking off into your socks, or having wet dreams and leaving wet spots on your sheets. Scandalous! Your poor mothers had to wash your stained sheets and stiff socks. Back in the 19th century, people were desperately trying to keep men and boys from masturbating or having wet dreams. Have you ever heard about spermatorrhoea? To put it simply – wasting sperm.
People believed that sperm contained a man’s vital energy. They also believed that a man could run out of it. Any sperm that was not deposited inside a man’s own wife was a waste. Wet dreams were considered a disease, and jerking off could cause blindness, insanity, or even kill you! Back in the day people were both very religious and puritanical. Masturbation was not only a sin but completely amoral.
In an attempt to stop it, and to cure the dreaded spermatorrhoea, people started inventing things. Some are excruciatingly painful, and some are ridiculous! I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m cracking up like a twelve-year-old as I write this. So cover your junk, boys – here they come (pun intended) –
- The Jugum Penis – Look out all you wet dreamers (a/k/a every guy ever) – This lovely piece of jewelry will fix that problem for you. It’s a metal ring that goes around the base of your penis (don’t get excited, it’s not what you think it is). There’s a spiky clip around the inside. So the more excited you get…the more you’re gonna suffer!
- The Bowen Device – It doesn’t look scary. Just a metal cup with some clips on the end. However – those clips attach to your pubic hair. So don’t get an erection, or those clips are going to rip out your pubic hair!
- The Bell Ringer – A device that attaches a bell to your penis. If anyone hears the bell ring, you’re busted. That’s the most boring name though…how about The Dong Dinger?
- The Electrified Cage – This was a cage made of wire coils that wrapped around the penis and testicles. It would prevent the penis from getting hard. It had a belt made of wire with a copper plate and it would give a little jolt of electricity if your junk started to grow.
- The Four Pointed Urethral Ring – It was kind of like the Jugum Penis, but instead of little metal teeth, it had four spikes inside of it. It was said to be much more painful than the Jungum.
- The Stephenson Spermatic Truss – You take your junk, stuff it all into a pouch, wrap it around your legs, and tie it all together between your legs. Now if you’re into bondage this may not work for you, but the rest of you are going to be incredibly uncomfortable!
Are you guys still with me? I hope so because this is where it gets funny. And I promise if you stick around, I’ll give you a happy ending! Have you ever eaten Corn Flakes? Or munched on some graham crackers? Well, you may want to rethink your eating habits. That stuff may very well destroy your sex life altogether. Dr. John Kellogg (of Kellogg’s cereal fame) was very against masturbating. And sex of any kind! Funny thing though – he had eight kids. The rumor is that corn flakes were invented to stop masturbation. The reality is that corn flakes were originally used to feed people on a bland diet in the hospital. Dr. Kellogg’s theory was that a bland diet would help curb the sex drive.
Now let’s talk about Sylvester Graham, a crazy minister from back in the 19th century. He believed that giving in to your “carnal desires” could cause epilepsy, headaches, or drive you insane. So he invented the Graham Cracker – a bland biscuit-like cracker. He also believed that a bland diet would curb the sex drive. The original Graham Cracker was flavorless and hard to chew. And was supposed to “cure” masturbation.
Luckily, none of those devices stood the test of time. Not ready for kids but still want to get laid? No problem! You’re not wasting a drop of precious baby juice. (Make sure you use a condom though!) And if you’ve ever had Corn Flakes or Graham Crackers, you know they don’t stop anyone’s sex drive. As far as jerking off – go for it! Instead of wasting sperm and endangering the population, it does just the opposite. Jerking off can help prevent prostate cancer. And sperm that sits around for too long can develop shriveled heads. Or even be missing the heads. Every time you get off, the defective sperm come out and your body makes a new batch of good ones.
Ok fellas…get ready for your happy ending. Times have changed, and masturbation is no longer taboo (mostly). And no one’s gonna force you to wear any painful contraption around your junk (But if that’s your thing, go for it!). So whether you’re waking up regularly with wet spots on your pajamas, or filling up every sock you own, it’s all good. You’re not wasting anything (except maybe all the hand lotion). Enjoy!