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One-Eyed Monster

One-Eyed Monster

Ok, I was scrolling through the guide channel one night a while ago and saw this.  My first thought was “It can’t possibly mean what I think it means”.  Then I read the description and said “Holy crap it is!!!”.  Now I may or may not have been consuming alcohol that night, so I settled in to watch. I remember talking about it to some friends and the guys were all “THAT IS NOT A GIRL MOVIE!!”.  Uh, yeah it was !  We’re not all delicate, easily offended, feminist little flowers.    I laughed my ass off!  I’m guessing this wasn’t meant to be a horror or a porn, but it was too good to pass up. 

Without giving too much away:  it involves aliens, a porn shoot in the dead of winter (of course in the middle of nowhere, and a one eyed monster (of sorts).  Need I say more?  It’s so stupid, and so much fun.  If you’re stuck home, bored, and possibly full of your relaxing agent of choice….do it!  And hopefully, you don’t live alone, because you’re gonna need someone to comment to!

I don’t like to bash movies, whether I like them or not.  Money was spent and time and effort went into them.  If you’re serious about your horror movies and are looking for amazing cinematography, a well thought out plotline, and killer special effects….don’t bother.  And if you’re looking for a little extra porn in your movie – you won’t find it here, try pornhub maybe.  This is B-movie, turn off your brain, “I can’t believe I’m watching this” kind of stuff.

For a horror movie about Ron Jeremy”s possessed penis in the middle of a porn shoot, there’s basically no porn.  And not a lot of blood either.  There is an older porn actress named Veronica Hart, who I think was my favorite part of the movie.  The acting was meh.  It was pretty much porn movie acting (like anyone watches porn for the acting!).   And I wish we could have seen the one-eyed monster do a little more damage (yes, I know how that sounded, not sorry).  It was cheesy AF!  Full of bad porn jokes and a few quotable lines.  It makes fun of itself.  There’s a monologue by Charles Napier, about his platoon in Vietnam being slaughtered by a killer dick.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry!  

It’s summer, it’s ridiculously hot (we’re melting here in New York), there’s a pandemic happening and a world full of idiots out there.  So grab a drink, crank up the a/c and watch One-Eyed Monster.  I’m dying to hear what you think!