Have a Scary Christmas

Halloween has come and gone, and Christmas is here. Although we all keep the Halloween spirit alive all year, I guess we can make a little room for Christmas. Just like you, I watch horror movies all year long. The thing I don’t do for some reason is watch Christmas horror movies during the year. I don’t know why, but it never occurs to me. Since the Christmas season is here, I decided to start watching them. Christmas horror is almost always extremely cheesy. So if you don’t have these on your list already – here are some to get you started:

• Krampus (2015) – I love this one. It’s so much fun! Like most holiday movies, it has the standard dysfunctional family getting together for the holidays. Then they get snowed in by a blizzard. One of the kids is completely miserable and accidentally summons Krampus. Then director (and co-writer) Michael Doughtery has some fun. The cast is fantastic! Adam Scott, Toni Collette, and Dave Koechner, just to name a few.  And the gingerbread men…

• Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) – Poor Billy! His parents must have been extremely naughty because Santa killed them both. He ends up in a horrible, abusive orphanage. When he grows up he gets a job in a toy store. He has to work on Christmas Eve and they ask him to dress up as Santa. Not surprisingly, the red suit triggers him. If you like old-school,  cheesy slasher films, this is a good one.  As a bonus, one of the stars is Linnea Quigley – one of my favorite scream queens! We also have Part 2, Part 3: Better Watch Out, Part 4: Initiation, Part 5: The Toy Maker, and Part 6: Santa’s Watching

• Gingerdead Man (2005) – The soul of a killer possesses a gingerbread man. What could be better than that? Oh wait, I know! Gary Busey as the gingerbread man!!!  It’s so bad and so ridiculous that I love it!  It’s a funny “horror” movie. And it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Think Freddy, meets Chucky, meets Santa. The escapades of the Gingerdead Man don’t stop there. You can move on to Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust, Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver, and if you want to keep going – you can end with Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong.

• Santa’s Slay (2005) – Santa (Bill Goldberg a/k/a Goldberg of WWE) is actually a demon. He lost a bet with an angel and had to be Santa for a thousand years. Now time is up and he’s gonna make up for it. His mission? Find the angel he lost the bet to. The angel is now someone’s grandfather – and Santa wants to be part of Christmas dinner! 

• Black Christmas (1974) – This is a classic. A slasher film before slasher films were popular!  Sorority sisters spending Christmas break together are being stalked by a killer. His phone calls to them leave no question about that. This has a very creepy feel to it and I don’t think it gets enough attention. If you haven’t, I highly recommend that you watch it. There are great performances by Margot Kidder, the beautiful Olivia Hussey, and John Saxon (a/k/a Nancy’s father in Nightmare on Elm Street).

• Better Watch Out (2016)  – Ashley is babysitting Luke, who she’s been watching for a while.  They plan to watch horror movies and eat pizza.  Then people try to break into the house. Ashley is doing her best to fight back and protect Luke, while he is trying to save the girl he has a crush on. It’s like  Home Alone meets You’re Next. It’s got a nice twist to it, but don’t expect a hardcore slasher movie or you’ll be disappointed.

• A Christmas Horror Story (2015) – I love anthologies, and this one is narrated by William Shatner! Each of the twisted tales takes place during the Christmas season.  The four stories are written by Jason Filiatrault, James Kee, Sarah Larsen, Doug Taylor, and Pascal Trottier. One of the segments I didn’t love, but the others were good.

• Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) – This is a Finnish export. On Christmas Eve, an archeological dig discovers Santa Claus frozen in ice. Before you know it, animals are being killed and children are disappearing.  It turns out that Santa is not the jolly old elf we think he is. And his elves aren’t too happy either. You’re going to need a dark sense of humor for this one.  Parts of the movie are subtitled. Also, if you’re offended by male nudity, I don’t recommend watching this – there’s a fair amount of it.

• Santa Jaws (2018) – This is a movie that I never knew I always needed! A boy is sick of the family drama on Christmas and makes a wish to be alone. Thanks to a magic artifact that he has, his wish come true…sort of. Instead of his own version of Home Alone, he gets a Christmas-themed shark coming to kill them all! Is this scary? Not even a little. Is it so bad, it’s good? Definitely! 

Honorable mention goes to the short Treevenge – A group of assholes from a Christmas tree farm is out getting trees.  The trees have had enough and set out to get revenge.  (Yeah – you read that right). As soon as you have about fifteen minutes, click here. Hang in there until the end. So much blood! It’s totally worth it!!

Have a very Merry Christmas everyone!